I almost feel bad for writing this, but it is real life and I feel like this goes unsaid by many people because it isn’t the “popular view”.

This ones for the ladies….do you play the what if game? You know the one “umm, I feel bloated, I seem over emotional, man I am craving spicy food which is unusual, and I haven’t seen Aunt Flow in a while?”. The game of “umm, what IF, there is a tiny fetus floating around inside of me?!?”. You know the what if game. Are you like me and sometimes the what if’s are too much so you test the odds and go pee on a stick?

No, just me?

Liar.

Sometimes I work myself into a tizzy of worry thinking about the what if’s and then convince myself the only way to quiet the questions is to find out what if. So I rush to the local drug store, buy a two pack, and wait 2 minutes for the answer.

1 minute

1 minute 30 seconds

1 minute 33 seconds

(are we there yet?!)

1 minute 34 seconds

…..

2 minutes

Times to find out. Longest two minutes EVER

Blank circle. Sigh of relief. But what if there would have been a line. What if our lives would have changed in that moment? Of course I have big plans of how I would surprise Conner when in fact we do find out we are pregnant, but today was not the day I wanted those plans to start swirling into motion. I think I was mostly relieved because I am scared. Scared of how a baby will change everything, and that I feel so ill equipped to be a mom. How do you know when you are ready? I mean everyone around us is ready for us to be parents, but when will we know that we are ready and capable??

Even after the answer was no, it makes me wonder what IF the answer would have been a yes rather than a no in that moment. Yes, we would have been happy, joyed, and scared. Yes, I said a quick prayer in that moment that when we do begin our journey to baby that it is as easy as saying “opps”. But the no gave me clarity and passion to remember that this moment right now, just the two of us, is fleeting. We will never get these moments back. Yes, one day we will have an expanding family with babies, toddlers, and grown-aged children, but not today.

What can we do today, that will strengthen our relationship and marriage for the future of our family? Is it pausing our schedules and carving out a few moments for a dinner at a restaurant? Does it mean shutting off the tv, putting down the cell phones, and going for a walk outside? What does it look like to hit pause and be intentional in the here and now moment. Not dreaming, not working, but rather doing the silent work that comes from spending time together. The silent work of togetherness that builds a foundation of memories is how we are setting ourselves up today for success in the future. I pray that I can remember these moments where we pause without cellphones and head to the local town center to sit and people watch on the street and get lost in life chats rather than worrying about getting home to relieve a babysitter.